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It’s Morning… I Have Not Slept

It is hard for me to sleep with so much on my mind. There is so much I want to do. So much that I let it all cloud my thoughts and try to do as many tasks as I can simultaneously. But.. you know what that leads to? Me..finishing nothing. I could write it all down and go down a list. I have never been a list kind of person, unless it is my grocery list. Somehow when I was working and had a group of people to assist with their work, I found a system. I found time to answer my e-mails, answer questions of my fellow co-workers, have impromptu talks with our manager, help other groups get their questions answered, have one-on-one mentoring sessions, research problems and even found time to put together informative guides to help others. Somehow though… I cannot seem to do this now. Now, there were days at the office that I got frustrated and felt like I had too much to do in a day. I would just tell myself to breathe and start with the most urgent and important task first. Before the day was over, it would all be handled and my mind could rest.

Now.. I hardly get any downtime unless the kids are sleeping. We really only have one day where we are all together as a family and that I can truly have an opportunity for a break, and that’s on Saturdays. Lately though, my Saturdays have been feeling like Sunday through Friday repeats. It’s like I cannot ever catch-up. I say, oh I am going to do this or work on this or do this and before I know it, I have had to stop and change diapers, make food, clean up food, clean up the kitchen, vacuum several times, do the laundry, do my daughter’s hair, do my own hair (which I actually avoid sometimes…sadly), get my toddler off the counter-tops or from climbing on my desk or the table, make sure my daughter has done her homework and at least tried to read for the day, get the kids bathed and ready for bed (IF my toddler decides to sleep at a normal time).  And then… I am just tired with no focus.

How do I reach for the things I really want if I don’t have the time? I have been thinking I am going to have to give something up, but I don’t have much else to give up. It’s like if I give them up, I am sacrificing another part of myself and I feel like I don’t have anything else to trim away. Pretty soon I won’t know who I am at all. Right now, I am grabbing at straws.

It’s hard. Life is hard.

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